2009 09 What's the Big Idea?

What’s the big idea?

Dusk was lurking. Helen was running late as was her custom. She needed onions for tonight’s salad. As she headed out her apartment door to go to the grocery store her cellphone rang. She glanced at the name. It was her brother Simon. He surely wanted to know if she had received the e-mail invitation to his 30th birthday party set for the following Saturday? She hadn’t decided, so she let the call roll to voicemail. Simon was four years her senior. While Simon was recently more cordial to Helen, often when they were growing up, he bullied her. It was as if when she was born, he lost the dominant position in the family so he took it out on her. He’d pull her pony tails, give her the worst piece of cake, edge her off the sidewalk when they were bicycling and a host of other malicious behaviors just to prove his superior position. He was bigger and older than she, so it was easy for him to get away with his shenanigans. Besides, he was naturally a prankster. It wasn’t just Helen who got the brunt of his tricks, either.

One time, when Simon was in Boy Scouts, he put a raw egg under his campmate Festus’s sleeping bag. Nobody got hurt, but the smashed egg made a mess which was quite hard to clean up. The thing that irked Helen the most about Simon is that he usually got away with his mischief with a laugh and a smile. Simon became an expert at deflecting criticism. He’d laugh at the expense of others when they were the brunt of his tomfoolery. In high school this behavior made him very popular since the natural order of things at that age is to appear slightly crazy while not caring a whist what those in authority think. Simon could masterfully coax others to do the misdeeds he plotted so that he wouldn’t get caught. One time he even persuaded his good friend Curt to put a plastic bucket of water on the classroom door closer. Of course when the door opened and the bucket fell on the teacher, Simon just about died laughing. Curt was found out and punished with detention but Simon was protected by Curt out of honor, which made Helen mad when she discovered the truth.

So when the phone rang, it was natural for Helen to avoid the call. She walked out the door and down the block to the corner store. She bought her onions and then while she walked home, an idea started forming in her mind. She could be the one to pull off a prank which would make Simon the brunt of the joke while letting her go undetected. She’d have to cook up a plan which would embarrass him without hurting too much. Of course, she would have to be present to enjoy the fun. By the time Helen got home the dinner salad was no longer her top priority...working on her plan to “get” Simon was.

First she had to get his address list. She remembered that a few months ago, he had forwarded a jocular e-mail to his buddies and inadvertently copied her, so that part was easy. She found the e-mail, deleted his name and started to draft a message to all his friends. One by one she reminded them of the pranks:
-Stefan, remember the night when Simon got you to climb the tree overlooking the neighbor’s hot tub to take pictures? When the camera flash went off you were so surprised and embarrassed that you shimmied down the tree tearing your shirt?
-Jonathan, remember on prom night when Simon persuaded you to let the air out of the principal’s tires? The hissing noise alerted the security guard and you got caught so you couldn’t walk the stage at graduation?
-Festus, did you know it was Simon who put the egg under your sleeping bag?
-Tetsuo, remember when Simon dared you to go swimming in Lake Tahoe in the wintertime and you almost got frostbite?
-Grace, it was Simon who hid your towel at the senior swim, leaving you to dry off with paper towels.
-Angela, it was Simon who called your home at 3 a.m., waking your parents and making them think you were about to elope with your boyfriend.
-Curt, what made you think you could get away with the water bucket over the doorway of Mr. Blinder’s classroom?

By the time Helen finished her list, she had seventeen entries...one for each friend in the e-mail. She then titled the e-mail “Top Secret -- Simon’s Payback Surprise Party”. She saved the e-mail as a draft, since she was now hungry and those onions needed cutting for the salad. Slicing the onions reminded her of the fairy tale where the king solicited throughout his whole kingdom for someone who could make his daughter cry. Helen thought perhaps there would be a way to incorporate onions into her plan.

After dinner, Helen returned to her task of completing the e-mail. She knew that gregarious Simon would really enjoy a big party, so the first thing she suggested is that everyone find an excuse to tell him why they couldn’t come. Even if they had already said they would, they were to make up an excuse and e-mail him. It was important to make the excuse outlandish while still being believable. Helen suggested that each person make up their own excuse rather than to let her coordinate, since the intent was to have the correspondence appear random. She even suggested that a few people RSVP to Simon that they would be able to come, only to cancel at the last minute. Helen instructed them that she was to be the only person Simon would know with any certainty who would attend the party. In addition, she instructed them that in spite of their bogus cancellations they should attend the party wearing grubby clothes.

The next morning Helen called Simon to let him know that she would be able to come to his party. She made it clear that she was looking forward to it. She didn’t let on that anything was afoot, but Simon complained that two of his good friends had just canceled on him. One claimed that he had to serve on a sequestered jury over the weekend. The other indicated that she was super excited because she got an invitation to a private dinner with her United States Senator through a connection at her job. Helen privately smirked at the deceit.

After work, Helen went to the hardware store. She bought four gallons of flat black paint and one semi-gloss black paint, six rollers with handles, paint trays, eight brushes, five drop cloths and some masking tape. While she was shopping, she got a text message from Natasha, one of Simon’s closest girlfriends. Natasha planned to play along with the party deception by calling Simon with a last minute excuse. She claimed to have an invitation to ride with Simon’s rival James in his new Ferrari to Yosemite Valley. Early in their relationship, Natasha had been the recipient of a particularly dangerous gambol perpetrated by Simon. He had a motorcycle and enjoyed practicing laying down the bike on dirt. Simon liked to scare people, particularly potential girlfriends. He first convinced them what a safe driver he was. Then, he’d get them on the back on the pretense of going to some innocuous place such as the county park for a picnic. What his unsuspecting victim didn’t know was that the road leading into the park was gravel. Without any warning, he’d skid to a sideways stop and revel in his passenger’s screams. It was a wonder that nobody got hurt. Even though Natasha enjoyed adventure, that was too much danger for her. She was anxious and ready to participate in payback!

Over the next few days Helen refined her strategy for the party. She contacted Simon’s friends one by one to make sure they were well informed of her plan. She intended to check in with Simon on Friday, the day before the party, to learn from him that the whole event was falling apart and she would be the only one. She couldn’t wait to hear him relay to her some of the excuses his friends would provide. Meanwhile, Helen delivered the paint supplies to Simon’s best friend Jordan. It was he who had the spare key to Simon’s apartment.

When Helen called Simon on Friday to see how it was going, the normally cheery extrovert was unusually somber. He complained that Festus couldn’t attend because his grandmother was dying. Stefan’s brother decided to secretly elope on Saturday. Curt got called into overtime at his job and he needed the money to replace his dead computer. Grace’s boyfriend was called from the Reserves into active duty and Saturday was his last night in town. Angela got the shingles. Jonathan got a first class ticket to London on business with a Friday night departure. Finally, the excuse which hurt the most...Natasha riding in James’ new Ferrari. So now Simon was stuck with his stupid little sister on this, a milestone birthday. Helen did her best to be sympathetic to his predicament and contain her amusement that her strategy was working perfectly.

On the day of the party, Helen picked up a gloomy Simon at two o’clock to take him to a matinee for his birthday celebration. She appeared genuinely concerned that his party fizzled. She assured him that she’d help him make the most of a bad situation. She even made a pretty card to give him along with a gift of homemade jelly. The movie she selected was predictable and boring. Meanwhile, Jordan met the conniving revelers at the apartment. With fifteen people working hard they figured they could paint Simon’s entire apartment black in two hours. They were right. They also removed all the food from Simon’s refrigerator and filled it to the brim with onions.

After the matinee, Helen drove Simon back to his apartment, parked the car and said she’d like to come in to freshen up before continuing home. As they entered the door, he exclaimed, “What’s the big idea?” The whole place was painted black and everyone had left. Simon’s surprised expression said it all. Helen captured his expression on her cell phone camera. When all his friends returned fifteen minutes later, they then partied Into the night, sharing stories of their high jinks, eating raw onions and drinking soda. Simon’s payback had just begun. He continued to live in that black apartment for several years as a reminder of his pranks. In spite of his misfortune, he still laughed and had a good time!

Moral: Be nice! Have fun.

Copyright, September 2009 Frank Bliss All rights reserved