2006 09 Parentry

Parentry

Written in the month when I lost my dad, Everett Bliss, a wonderful man.

I know parentry is not a word. Spell check doesn’t like it. But it does sum up what being a parent is all about. It’s more about paren-TRYing to do one’s best at a subject you thought you knew a lot about when you were growing up and then discovered you really didn’t have all the answers.

Challenges face all parents which none of us could have wished for. These challenges were the last thing on our minds when we were busy conceiving children. And still many couples want children. What an amazing thing it is which makes us desire to perpetuate our kind? I was one of the lucky ones. Not only did I have great parents, but I learned the skills from them to produce—with the help of a terrific wife—some terrific children.

The first step in a normal healthy process in becoming a parent actually begins many years before having great sex. It begins when you select your friends. The quality of those friends and the quality each individual brings to the friendship to a large part determines what kind of person you’ll have in the selection pool when you decide to narrow the search down to one, get engaged, marry and produce progeny. One important quality to look for in the selection process is the attitude of the in-laws to-be. If you select well in that area, you’ll likely succeed in the next generation as well. While not an absolute requirement, good parenting in most cases leads to good child development.

It is amazing that when most children are born they are innately perfect. The process of birth itself is incredible. Going from a liquid environment to a gaseous environment is in itself a miracle. Even a child with an atypical body is perfect in so many ways. The functioning of the lungs and heart. The development of the brain. The amazing ability to suckle. The innocent attitude. The great expectation that life will bring optimistic possibilities about the future. The hope that our world will be made better by the introduction of this amazing entity, the human baby. My father once told me what his mother would ask a new parent: “Is it a perfect baby?” The hope always was that it was a perfect baby. And if not, we strive to find ways to make perfection at some level a possibility.

Somewhere between birth and two years, children learn that they have free will to challenge their environment and the authority of their parents or caregivers. They will wander off uncaring about dangers. They will explore forbidden cabinets. They will mimic their mentors with “NO” or its equivalent when asked to do something. Some parents at this stage will become frustrated with the constant testing of their toddler. It seems incessant at times. A child, in the natural effort to be the center of the world, quickly learns which parental buttons to push to obtain that egocentric status. Trying dangerous things is particularly enticing since the reaction is so immediate and energetic. To help children survive this dangerous age, parents often try different techniques.
Ignoring the child is one technique. The trick is to make the child think you’re ignoring him without actually ignoring him. If you’re not a very good actor, this technique has it’s limitations, since the deception itself can lead to teaching the child how to deceive.

Another technique is to overreact to the situation so overwhelmingly that the child will be taken by surprise at the negative response. I once saw a toddler run in front of my car. The parents were right there, but had let their gaze off the child for a moment. It was a busy street with two lanes of traffic in each direction. Fortunately I saw what was happening and was able to stop in time. Honking the horn made an immediate impression on the child. It also called attention to the parents who ran and scooped up the child with a mixed rush of scolding and relief.

There are differing opinions about spanking or otherwise physically disciplining a child as part of making an impression so deep that the child will remember never to do the dangerous action again. Inexperienced parents are more likely to resort to spanking than experienced ones, as they haven’t learned other valuable methods for dealing with errant behavior which in the long run prove more effective.

One loving family I know had a terrible time with one child. This little girl would bite for attention. She simply would not mind. They tried holding the child, talking to the child, isolating the child, removing toys and any number of creative strategies to help this child understand that biting was unacceptable. She had a will of steel, it seemed. She absolutely wanted to gain the upper hand. It was after many months of frustrating, consistent reprimands that finally this child has turned into a model citizen. But it wasn’t without it’s cost on the parents. They worked very hard to change the child’s behavior and for that the world is grateful. I believe that would not have happened in a family where the parents were stressed with other concerns…such as making financial ends meet, blaming each other, separations or divorce.

As our children got older, we used a strategy of keeping them busy with activities we felt were wholesome. Church, music lessons, ballet, soccer, Campfire, Scouting, tennis and gymnastics were a few of the items on our busy calendars. We enjoyed being with them as they learned new skills. We encouraged their successes and bragged about them to anyone who would listen. We stood by them when they had their own failures and frustrations, but consciously tried not to intervene when they could learn by working out these frustrations on their own.

As a result, the teen years in our family were actually quite nice. The children already knew our boundaries which didn’t change much no matter how much cajoling was attempted. We could listen to our children when they had problems. They had the self sufficiency to solve most of their problems on their own, so when they did come to us, it was really important. They understood the relationship between actions and consequences. We spent as much time with them as our busy lives would allow. If we could do it over again, we might not have crowded the schedule quite so much. We also might have bragged a tiny bit less, since they were embarrassed by some of our sharing.

Parentry doesn’t end after the children complete their education and start their working lives. Children face challenges as adults as well, Solutions to those problems can sometimes best be explored by discussing them with people with greater longevity. By definition, parents fall into that category. One of the most satisfying things a parent experiences is when a child comes for advice about a thorny problem or difficult passage in life. The big trick is to listen well, offer little in the way of commentary and not share the issue outside of the private conversation. Those are lessons my father taught very well.

It is inevitable that parents will make mistakes along the way. I’ve made them. I’m sorry for them. We’ve tried to help our children grow to the point that they can make it on their own. There have been times when we’ve gotten in the way of their progression toward independence. Now when they come for visits, they’re always welcome (for a while). When we go for visits, we’re always welcome (for a while). We just have to remember that even though our children are perfect, we’re not!

When a child falls in love and marries, the new in-law becomes an important part of a parent’s life. We have been superbly blessed in that department. Nothing makes a parent more satisfied than when a child selects a quality life partner. It is an indication that the lessons taught in childhood and the values carried from one generation to the next will continue into the future. Parentry continues…

Parentry carentry

A Baby comes
With lots of fussing!
A lot of joy,
A bit of cussing.

They seem so cute,
‘Til they learn running,
To keep the pace,
Mom/dad learn cunning.

A decade more,
Activities abound,
Go here, go there,
Like a Merry-Go-Round.

They mature and grow,
Setting their pace,
Bypassing parents,
By defining the race.

Life cycle goes on,
It seems inherently,
Each generation stumbles
On the art of parentry.

We thought we knew how,
But it’s clear in hindsight,
Our children are smarter,
And we’re not so bright!

Until the time comes,
When a problem develops,
They consult with us now,
And our answer helups!


©Frank Bliss 2006 All rights reserved
September, 2006